Wow I have finally come to the point of everything that I am happy not just putting on a smile and pretending, but deep down inside I am H-A-P-P-Y! For 3+ years I have been feeling so sad and whenever I thought about Zane I had all these questions that I would ask myself like, What if me and the birth father would of stayed together I could still have Zane?, or I could of single parented him and would be happier than I am now.?. I think this year almost two years has been really hard because now I am married to a wonderful man that would do anything for me and is a wonderful father to his son. And I would think how nice it would be just to have Zane around and that Dan would love him as much as I do. I have gained 80lbs since I placed Zane for adoption. I know with the combination of the depression and not trusting any man (until I met Dan) and just not caring about myself really but this weight on and now I am finally seeing what I have done to myself. I have attempted to loose weight several times, but I would get discouraged and give up. On top of that i have been diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and a low thyroid. So needless to say things have been a little crazy and overwhelming.
So about two weeks ago I was at Dan's grandmas house and we played baseball girls verses boys. When I was younger I played softball for a lot of years and I was okay at it. (I haven't played in a really long time.) Well I was pretty good if I may say so. lol It felt really nice to be good at something again and to just have complete fun I am not sure what it was about playing baseball that turned on this switch of happiness but whatever it was it did the trick. I left feeling so great. the next day I felt the same inside just happy...now 2 weeks later I am still there. I can think about the situation I was in 3+ years ago and get sad but I can control it and be happy again. I am sure I will have my occasional sad day because I am only human and a girl. But I am ME again FINALLY!!
