Finally!!

Wow I have finally come to the point of everything that I am happy not just putting on a smile and pretending, but deep down inside I am H-A-P-P-Y! For 3+ years I have been feeling so sad and whenever I thought about Zane I had all these questions that I would ask myself like, What if me and the birth father would of stayed together I could still have Zane?, or I could of single parented him and would be happier than I am now.?. I think this year almost two years has been really hard because now I am married to a wonderful man that would do anything for me and is a wonderful father to his son. And I would think how nice it would be just to have Zane around and that Dan would love him as much as I do. I have gained 80lbs since I placed Zane for adoption. I know with the combination of the depression and not trusting any man (until I met Dan) and just not caring about myself really but this weight on and now I am finally seeing what I have done to myself. I have attempted to loose weight several times, but I would get discouraged and give up. On top of that i have been diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and a low thyroid. So needless to say things have been a little crazy and overwhelming.

So about two weeks ago I was at Dan's grandmas house and we played baseball girls verses boys. When I was younger I played softball for a lot of years and I was okay at it. (I haven't played in a really long time.) Well I was pretty good if I may say so. lol It felt really nice to be good at something again and to just have complete fun I am not sure what it was about playing baseball that turned on this switch of happiness but whatever it was it did the trick. I left feeling so great. the next day I felt the same inside just happy...now 2 weeks later I am still there. I can think about the situation I was in 3+ years ago and get sad but I can control it and be happy again. I am sure I will have my occasional sad day because I am only human and a girl. But I am ME again FINALLY!!

Parent Teacher Confrence!

I went to my very first parent teacher conference by myself with Dallen yesterday. Dan had to work late so I had to take him, let me tell you I was a little nervous about it. We sat waiting for the teacher who was about 45 minutes behind schedule, anticipating and waiting to hear what Dallen had been up to with school. I played games with Dallen while waiting for his teacher to be done with his other student and parent. Overall his teacher had nothing but praise for Dallen and how he is very respectful and very smart kid. Its nice to hear that we are raising such a awesome kid. No we just need to make sure he keeps up with his homework by actually bringing it home and turning it in on time. Being a parent definitely has its rewards and also its trials but you do the best you can and hope that's enough.

Zane!!

So lately I have been struggling with missing Zane and all the stuff with the adoption and just feeling down right sad. I wasn't sure what to do at first because well I have a hard time communicating and letting people know exactly how I feel or what I need. I think about him everyday and miss him greatly but mostly just the baby I knew. When I get updates from the adoptive couple he has grown and turned into a handsome young man at the age of 3 years old and since I don't get visits anymore I haven't been able to get to know his personality like I would like to. I love him so much though and that will never change.

I have so many hopes and dreams for him and I know a lot of them will come true because he has such a bright future. He now has a brother and a sister and I am so happy that he can have siblings to go up with. I sometimes think of how my life would differ from the way it is now if I would of raised him myself...I would love him and take care of him. But he wouldn't have a dad around all the time to teach him how to be a "real man" or just to have a dad there for him. I would be able to function and would of had a decent life (with financial situation) but who knows if I would of found Dan. Its interesting the paths life takes us, by the decisions we make. Zane always has a big spot in my heart that he took with him!! You don't realize until you become a mother what you would do for your children. And even though I am not raising Zane I am still his birth mom and want the best for him and I want to see him succeed in everything he does in his life.

The first time I held him in my hands after that horrible 16 hours of labor I loved him so much even though I would have to see him go two days later. Knowing that I wasn't going to see him sit up, roll over, crawl, stand, walk or say his first word or even see him on his first day of Kindergarten. But I did get to love him first and experience being a mother even for a little while. I hope he always remembers that I love him and I placed him for adoption for all the right reasons and that I always want the best for him even if I don't get to see him grow up. Zane I love you and always will!!!

Picture of me and Zane right before I placed him with his adoptive parents...
Updated photo of Zane and his twin siblings...