Zane!!

So lately I have been struggling with missing Zane and all the stuff with the adoption and just feeling down right sad. I wasn't sure what to do at first because well I have a hard time communicating and letting people know exactly how I feel or what I need. I think about him everyday and miss him greatly but mostly just the baby I knew. When I get updates from the adoptive couple he has grown and turned into a handsome young man at the age of 3 years old and since I don't get visits anymore I haven't been able to get to know his personality like I would like to. I love him so much though and that will never change.

I have so many hopes and dreams for him and I know a lot of them will come true because he has such a bright future. He now has a brother and a sister and I am so happy that he can have siblings to go up with. I sometimes think of how my life would differ from the way it is now if I would of raised him myself...I would love him and take care of him. But he wouldn't have a dad around all the time to teach him how to be a "real man" or just to have a dad there for him. I would be able to function and would of had a decent life (with financial situation) but who knows if I would of found Dan. Its interesting the paths life takes us, by the decisions we make. Zane always has a big spot in my heart that he took with him!! You don't realize until you become a mother what you would do for your children. And even though I am not raising Zane I am still his birth mom and want the best for him and I want to see him succeed in everything he does in his life.

The first time I held him in my hands after that horrible 16 hours of labor I loved him so much even though I would have to see him go two days later. Knowing that I wasn't going to see him sit up, roll over, crawl, stand, walk or say his first word or even see him on his first day of Kindergarten. But I did get to love him first and experience being a mother even for a little while. I hope he always remembers that I love him and I placed him for adoption for all the right reasons and that I always want the best for him even if I don't get to see him grow up. Zane I love you and always will!!!

Picture of me and Zane right before I placed him with his adoptive parents...
Updated photo of Zane and his twin siblings...